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a list of all the things i have dipped my hair into in the last 24 hours pho |
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  spring time weather, lots of unnecessary layers, who will i spend this spring time with now that all my friends are gone, going to drink my tea and go to sleep now |
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i am tired of having so many zits. i am sure all the cookies, muffins, coffee and cheese i am eating right now are going to help me in getting these zits under control. ( work ) |
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All my moral and intellectual being is penetrated by an invincible conviction that whatever falls under the domain of our senses must be nature and, however exceptional, cannot differ in its essence from all the other effects of the visible and tangible world of which we are a self-conscious part. The world of the living contains enough marvels and mysteries as it is- marvels and mysteries acting upon our emotions and intelligence in ways so inexplicable that it would almost justify the conception of life as an enchanted state. No, I am too firm in my consciousness of the marvelous to ever be fascinated by the mere supernatural which (take it any way you like) is but a manufactured article, the fabrication of minds insensitive to the intimate delicacies of our relation to the dead and to the living, in their countless multitudes; a desecration of our tenderest memories; an outrage on our dignity. --Joseph Conrad, Authors note to 'The Shadow Line' |
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a list of things to do: make an appointment at the country doctor-annual check up brake check, oil change barbara selkin for cello get a cello get new mattress get new sheets for new mattress get organized about spring enrollment-what classes do you want to take? compass test : ( clean and organize house, throw things out take out trash write letters do laundry cut hair, dye hair? talk to dirk about ted look at big fat snuggle cats adopt a big fat snuggle cat study the verbs avoir, etre study hard make dinner, try new things pump up tires on bike go for bike ride weekly pump up basket ball shoot hoops go to the SAM go to the Frye obama or clinton? stendhal, sterne, dickens, goethe, flaubert, thackeray "the house of the dead", george orwell essay's, trollope, pevear and volohonsky get teeth cleaned |
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it's supposed to snow tonight. i am sitting outside and my hands are freezing. |
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lately all i want is a new fat kitten to lounge on the couch with, new silhouette's and the know how to cook tofu with ease. |
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 am i missing out if my dreams don't reach much farther than the babies i have waiting deep inside the softly folded trenches of my gut? these beautiful, pure love babies, pacified by timing and birth control, are begging me all day long to let them out. they need room to grow, they tell me. they want to spread their toes in the soft springtime grasses and to smell the smoke from the fires on crisp fall days. they want to read the classics, kafka and proust, maurice sendak before bed. they want to grow their hair down to their ankles and to swim naked in the frozen eddy's of some twisting river path. what do i have to offer these babies that whisper sweet nothings in my ears all day long? is it ok for me to long for them and sometimes whisper back? i will these babies to grow sometimes. despite all of the hormones, the pearly bits of plastic, the reality that i am only 21 and probably shouldn't be having babies yet, i tell them to hold fast, to be quiet, to sneak. if they succeed in circumventing all the traps they have set before them, then maybe they should be given a real chance. maybe its just vanity, in wanting to see the love i have for you in someone else's face. it's really all romance, isn't it? |
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  storm's a brew. reading good books these days. quit job, long time coming-a ways left to go. so, what if i want to be a doctor? |
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 i've been pondering the conscious life of snails, of slugs and other invertebrates. a few dozen times i have left my house to find ten or so slug couples copulating by moonlight. i wonder about slug relationships, do slugs even have hearts to break? |
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 on the day that margot's sister arrived, she ate tuna salad for dinner and watched the baby as she slept on mom's brown sweater. "baby's are a burden" she said, "never mind that" said mom. |
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  tonight i saw mona + travis + oliver eating dinner at cafe soliel and it made me think of you. and so i ate there too, and pretended you were across the table from me sharing my soupy meal and taking sips from the beer i didn't finish. will we have time to have breakfast together on saturday? i will save all my poorly formed stories for friday night girl talk, i think. |
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a heavy sort of sleep is cast over me whenever i sleep alone. too many sticky dreams to get caught in, dreams littered with fights long since past, plenty of tender moments that don't matter anymore. i want only to move forward now, but it is difficult when my unconcious is clinging so steadfastly to what has already passed. there is no control in dreaming, and for now the only thing to do is rip myself, exhausted, from each one hoping that in the next will look into the future rather than the past.   ( Grizzly Bears ) |
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